Post-Surgery BluesA couple of days ago, I had a bone spur removed on my right big toe. I’m not allowed to put weight on it, so I’m getting around on crutches. As I was sitting in the hospital, waiting my turn to go under the knife, I was really calm. None of my old familiar feelings of anxiety were present. I’ve spent the last 5 years or so healing much of my emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. I’ve declared 2026 as the year of physical healing. The removal of this bone spur should allow me to get back to running (an activity that I absolutely love doing). I’m also going to have an ablation to try to zap the AFib outta my heart. I know that all of that other healing I’ve been doing made it so that I could remain calm, peaceful and optimistic going into this surgery. But, in an unsurprising twist to anyone who’s “done the work,” I’m here to report that I’ve still got more emotional healing to do. The truth is, it never ends. The intensity and nature of the pain just changes over time. If you’ve spent any amount of time with me, I would imagine you’d know at least these two things: I am full of love and want to help everyone be the best they can be so that we can make the world a better place for all of us, together. I like to be in control and don’t particularly like asking for help.
Listen, I’m struggling with item number two, friends. I’ll first acknowledge my privileges to put this into context (I’m struggling, but I’m not suffering like so many others are right now). I have really good health insurance so I won’t go bankrupt on this $25,000+ procedure. I work remotely, so I don’t have to miss any work while healing. I have an amazing family. Chuck, Hank and Ev have been making sure that I have what I need while I’m sitting in my comfy brown chair with my foot elevated. I have a strong community. My mom, dad, siblings, and friends have sent me so much love.
Now back to the story…I anticipated that this controlling urge would be the thing I would struggle with. Don’t get me wrong, the waves of physical pain are difficult, but I am able to use all of my mindfulness training and strong ibuprofen to get through those. Turns out, I need to excavate some old stories, give them a rewrite and practice letting go and accepting support. In my Positive Psychology training for becoming a certified personal and executive coach, we learned about Stressors, Thoughts, Reactions and how to build resilience by getting to the underlying story rather than just reacting to the trigger. Here’s an explainer of the exercise and an example from my experience. Stressor: The observable action that occurred. Only what a camera would see. No interpretations. Thoughts: These are the immediate thoughts that pop into your head. Unfiltered. Reactions: This includes the feelings and behaviors that happen.
Most people go through life thinking that A causes C. (Sounds like, “That asshole just made me mad.”) This is not true. The reality is that B causes C. Our immediate thoughts are fed by deep seated storylines we’ve picked up throughout our lives. Coupled with our values and beliefs. How we interpret the action makes all the difference. When we can slow down the tape, and really see what is happening in ourselves, we can change the way we respond to be more intentional and in alignment with our values. Here’s an example: Over the weekend, Chuck and Hank had many commitments they had to leave the house to go do. I am very limited in my mobility, so I depend on them for a lot at the moment. Here’s what unfolded: Stressor: Chuck and Henry leave the house and are gone for several hours. Thoughts: “Nobody cares about me.” “When I need help the most, no one is here for me.” “This is exactly why you just do it all yourself, then you won’t be counting on others and they can’t let you down.” Reactions: Sadness, feeling worthless. Starting to blame others. Judging myself.
But, because I’m steeped in these learnings, I was able to catch all of this before I lashed out or said things I would regret. I went to my journal and wrote down those thoughts. Then I asked myself, “What is true?” It is true that: Chuck, Hank, and Ev have all been helping me and doing the chores around the house. I know they love me. They don’t see things the way I do. They have full lives and have things that are important for them that are different than what is important for me at times.
So, what? Where does all this rambling get us, Jess? It gets us to a space of learning and growth. That’s why it’s so darn important to slow down and reflect. I intellectually knew that I still needed to work on my controlling tendencies, because I haven’t been making any progress in that realm for a while. This surgery gave me no choice. And rather than fighting it, lashing out, making others wrong or bad, I’m using this time to see how my feelings and behaviors contribute to the systems I’m in and the challenges I face. Slowing down the story helps to really identify the underlying need so that I can ask for help, knowing that so many people in my life are willing and able to give me what I need. The deep story that I am rewriting is around “Not enoughness” and being “Too much.” Funny how those two opposing narratives go hand in hand for me. I am enough. It is human to have needs, I am not too much. The controlling is just an internal protector. The very misguided belief says that if you don’t count on anyone, you can’t be let down. That’s sounds really lonely. So, I will practice asking for help when I need it. The reality is that for most people, helping someone they care about is a gift and an honor. Finally, I’ll remember that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, including me. As you know, the invitation is always open to talk about what’s coming up for you when you read these monthly musings. Hit me up if you wanna grab some tea and explore our inner demons together. Love you,
Jess
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