First days at schoolThings have been busy in the House of Nelson these days. Henry started college this month and my niece (whose dad is deceased and whose mother abandoned them so she lives with my mom) started kindergarten! That means I’m in support mode. And I’m learning some interesting things about myself along the way. If you’re interested in hearing about self-reflection and making different decisions to build new habits, pull up a chair and stay a while. If that’s not your cup of tea, go ahead and move along to the next lovely thing in your day. First, some backstory. Growing up in a big family with a single mom (and visiting dad every other weekend) had its challenges, and what I thought at the time, some rewards. One of those rewards being that we were a very tight knit crew. I remember that I had mixed emotions about feeling like I had to do a lot for my family, but just as equally, I really loved my family and so I wanted them all to be happy and well. Turns out I was living in relationships that were steeped in codependency and enmeshment. I didn’t learn about these concepts until several years ago. In the event that these terms are new to you, allow me to briefly explain. Simplified, codependency is when you over-give or over-caretake when someone you love is struggling with addiction or maladaptive behavior. You become a fixer, trying to make sure everyone is okay. Enmeshment is when you sort of get entangled in each other’s lives in a way that is dysfunctional. It’s hard to know where you stop and the other starts. You can read more in depth about it here if you like. Like I said, I was steeped in these two dysfunctional patterns growing up, and if we’re being really honest (which you know I always am with you, dear readers) these patterns persisted in the early years of my marriage. Luckily, I have always been dedicated to learning and self-reflection. So when I saw these habits for what they were, I set out to get help so that I could change them in a lasting way. Which I’ve been working on for the past decade or so. And I’m so happy to report, I’ve changed. A lot. And the proof is in how I show up for my family (both the family I came from and the family I created with Chuck) now. This brings us back around to school starting for Henry and my niece. We’ll first look at my niece’s experience. My mom doesn’t have a car. So when she needed to get this child enrolled, Aunt Jessie was there. When the bus didn’t pick her up on the first day of school, the Auntie Bus showed up to save the day. And I can honestly say I showed up with joy, knowing that my little bit was helping this kid in a big way. Previously, I would have been annoyed that no one else could do it. I’d politely show up and do the thing, but I’d be seething inside. Stories would be running wild about how I always have to be the responsible one and clean up my brother’s messes. It is so nice to notice this difference and know that it is the result of doing the hard work of changing mental programming. Finally, we come to our precious Henry. As many of you know, Hank has been homeschooled for his whole life. Turns out, going from a very flexible, laid back life of learning on your preferred timeline and times of day to a rigid schedule with early morning classes and lots of homework is…Really. Fucking. Hard. I had been anticipating this. So I have cleared many things off my regular schedule to make room for supporting him. And it’s been a really difficult and beautiful experience the past couple of weeks. Difficult in that it’s really gut-wrenching for me to watch my kids suffer. I hate to see them sad. It breaks my heart. Old Jess would have swooped in and figured out how to take the pain away and fix it! But Now Jess has been employing their coaching skills and their healthy relationship habits to be supportive. The beauty is in watching how our little family unit has rallied for Hank. Without any hint of enmeshment or codependency patterns, we’ve been helping him when he asks for help. When he needs an extra wake up call in the morning, we got him covered. When he’s struggling to get out the door and asks to pack a lunch, no problem. When homework gets to be overwhelming and he needs a hug, we’re right there too. Everyone is cheering for this young man to succeed. This feels like what I always wanted in my relationships, but when I didn’t know any better, I would lose myself to please the people I loved. In the Nelson house, we are people who genuinely care and want each other to succeed. And our actions match those wishes. Chuck, Hank, Ev and I have built a really special environment in which each of us feels respected, loved and supported. And I couldn’t ask for anything better in this life. So, that’s what’s going on here. How are things with you, dear friend? Do you find yourself lost if the sea of doom and gloom all around us? Or have you found some little life rafts of hope in this pit of despair? If you’ve got any tips for the rest of us on how to stay sane during the mid-term elections, the threat of AI killing us all, the climate crisis, and all the other disasters plaguing our world, we’d love to hear about it. Drop me a line. Hearing from you makes my heart happy! I’ll leave you with the wise words of Kurt Vonnegut, “Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.” Love you, Jess
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